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Sunday, March 15, 2009

My eyes swollen. it's actually because i cried last night and now making me very moody and down.. anni, chris and alex quarrel.. i feel bad and it's very bad.. i crying now again.. i miss those days when me, anni, chris and alex were having lots of fun together.. from the movie session to the clubbing session to the prawning session..and to the drinking session.. i miss all those memories...

Life is short but why cant people just appreaciate what is going on now.. you wont know what will happen in the next few minutes.. i might lost, i might die, i might fainted and just gone.. you wont know.. people just seems to take me for granted and never appreaciate what i've done for them.. they treat me like an idiot.. i noticed that i got plenty of things to settled.. one thing has done another thing arise, i feel lost and i got no idea how to solve it anymore. god please help me!! it's pouring rain outside, my mood just like the rain feel like crying.. maybe the "people" on top also feel the same with me?

On sat nite we went for our last movie at vivocity.. things were fine and me and alex were happy to be with each other.. he held my hands and we're just like a couple holding hands in the cinema watching movie..he was very close to me and i can feel his breathing next to my ear.. at first i thought things can work out between me and him but i was wrong.. i feel like i am an idiot about myself.. when i reached home, i smsed him saying i really like him but what he return his sms was.. i dont think i am really ready for any relationship, thats why i dont dare to show a very obvious sign towards you.. my heart got a broken sign but still ok, can manage.. but why in the first place you want to hold my hand! so last night i decided to meet anni and chris for dinner we discuss about this issue again..

Chris suggested that i should let him know that if we never try we wont know what will be the outcome.. why not we just give ourselves some probation period of time and try out? if things can work out just continue on if cannot and we can still be friends. but alex rejected this opinion.. he told me that he dont wan both of us to get hurt.. and this is not a game. he dont want to see any of us to get hurt... in every single relationship there'll always be ups and downs, its just depends on how you going to settle it.. he told me that he dont want to suffer from all the relationship problems and he heard a lot of sad stories about me and my ex and he is scare of everything.. he said he dont dare to try on and he decided to give up instead.. omg! i feel like killing him last night.. but my tears drop non-stop.. he told me he rather go marriage centre to look for gals and dont need to gone thru all the hassal sigh.. he rather did that then to try out with me.. i really very sad..

we talked for about nearly 3 hours.. anni thought there might be a good outcome but too bad she was so disappointed with her kor.. she keep calling me da sao here and da sao there.. but the more demand for more hope the more disappointment you'll get.. anni i'm sry i cant be your da sao.. maybe your kor will find another better gal to become your da sao ok? it's not that i dont want but its just a relationship cannot just let one party to clap the hand..there wont have any sound.. this is a reality i have no choice but to accept it.. yesterday night only i noticed that it's not just like towards alex... but the fact is i already putting more feeling inside and making it to "love" instead.. i seriously was hoping that me and him can be together but sighh sadly no is the answer..sucks!

Though it's painful but i have to move on.. i really lost faith in love, lost feeling towards guys lost everything.. i dont want to have all this stupid things to disturb me anymore.. not jason, not alex, not anson or whoever shit it is.. i DONT WANT TO LOVE ANYMORE!

writtern @8:32 PM